The Prosumer Theory of Energy Drinks
As I mentioned in an earlier article, I have this theory of Energy Drinks, who drinks them, and why. Interestingly enough, I’ve found a way to tie energy drink drinkers in with the internet, computers, and digital photography. Yeah, I’m that geeky (and I’ve had that much Amp).
So back in the before-time, there was no internet, and computers were something that math geeks did instead of talking to women. They had their revenge, however, when the internet exploded and they all got rich, and were then viable mates for the attractive women. We’re at the point where even the poorest families can afford a computer from Dell or eMachines, and you can get internet access for free if you’re willing to settle for dialup.
So this internet thing came along and gave all kinds of people access to all kinds of information. Suddenly Joe Sixpack, who in the before time would have been drinking beers and watching football, now drinks beers, watches football or nascar or whatever is on his tivo, and surfs the internet. A lot of us are aware that the majority existence for people in the suburbs is a one-upmanship contest whereby one man’s penis (or family’s figurative penis) is larger than their neighbors, based on how much stuff they buy, and how much they spent on it. For proof of this, look at the SUV acquisitions and Plasma TVs and professional-grade kitchens that are only used to lay out takeout food.
So this rampant consumerism has been going for a while, and now it’s to the point where you may literally be mocked or thought less of if you don’t have the “best” of something. That’s why, in the 80’s, you could get away with your average Sears 35mm point and shoot camera, that’s not good enough today. Nobody has a film camera unless they’re professional photographers, and frankly, thats bordering on quaint. Everyone now has digital cameras. But since you can get digital camera reviews online, it’s not good enough to just get a replacement for your Sears 35mm camera. We scoff at 2x optical zoom: we need 12x, with image stabalization, multi-point metering, and several white-balance presets. In the world of rampant consumerism, therefore, we don’t get the cheap “free with purchase of 8 gallons of gas” digital camera. The 1600 dollar 8.1 megapixel digital camera with 10 lenses and 8 filters and more options and settings than people in China, those are bought by people who don’t know what an f-stop is. It’s just absolutely necessary for our fragile egos built on “stuff” that we have that setup, and not the cheap “but this is the kind of camera my neighbor gave to his 12 year old daughter” camera that can still produced pictures that look amazing printed at 16×20. Oh no. We need the best.
We see this other places. Even though none of them ever use it, people insist they need 4 wheel drive with traction control and seating for 30 in their SUVs. So why would the energy drink market be any different? Sure, we could drink coffee, which generally tastes like burnt ass in boiling water. Why, there’s nothing I like better on a hot, humid day than.. hot, humid liquid going into my stomach. All the “experts” are saying that the only people that really benefit from energy drinks are those who are working out as a triathlete, and they need that caffeine kick to shave a few 1/10ths of a second off their time. If we have average people buying cameras they’ll never understand, and people buying cars that drive, look, and suck gas like tanks just to haul a few kids around, why wouldn’t we get the best possible drink, regardless of whether or not we need it? If we just need to stay awake, we could go with coffee–or we could go with something that helps professional athletes at the top of their game in measurable ways. If it’s good for them, surely, it’s good for us.
The key flaw in this argument, and I’ll call it the “people are stupid principle,” is that I actually have experience that says energy drinks keep me awake and give me more pep than anything else. I also have experience taking caffeine pills and guarana pills, so I know energy when I have it. I don’t have any proof that Tom Jackson on 4793 Chuckanut Drive takes pictures better with a 2000 dollar digital camera setup, and I would guess that, in fact, he takes worse pictures, because he doesn’t understand what he’s doing.
Now that I’ve exposed you to the real ultimate power of my theory, go forth and spread the word.
I’m sorry.
I don’t get it…
You’re saying we only need energy drinks to show off and not because we actually need the caffeine?
Rediculous!