The Energy Drink Connoisseur Speaks…
Hi everybody. I’m the new energy drink reviewer. I’m the guy who was lucky enough to be chosen to try to sort through all of the marketing mess and make sense of all the stupid adjectives and exclamation points so you don’t have to.
What qualifies me to shoulder a responsibility like that? Not a whole lot actually. I’m, uh, I’m a dork that drinks a lot of energy drinks.
The natural world is filled with wonderful substances that have been helping my dork ancestors distort their perceptions of the world for generations. Here at EF though, we’re interested in the good stuff–the caffeines and the guaranas. The Yohimbes, Horny Goat Weeds, and the Kola nuts of the world. The glucoronolactones. We are lucky enough to live in an exciting time, a world full of industrial chemists willing to take all of this goodness and mash it all together, make it taste of berries and bubble gum, and give it to us for only a couple of bucks.
They’re here to help. Don’t forget that.
They’re like a bunch of Willy Wonkas in their lab coats and hair nets, tirelessly working on new ways to make a buck…I mean provide versatile solutions for modern living. They’re providing a valuable service. Soon, we’ll get everything the body needs to function delivered in a convenient, cool looking, modern kind of something. Something in a can. Something shiny. Preferably something with bubbles.
Now, that being said, some of these people are much better at their jobs than others. There are more and more people trying to cash in without giving up the goods. That’s where we come in. We’re doing our best to help all of you, you beautiful fiends, make informed decisions. We want to help you find the stuff that will not only help you get your TPS reports done on time or get through another shift or workout or lecture from a loved one but, will also, you know, not kill you.
So, armed with all of the knowledge that one can glean from frantic visits to Wikipedia and the hallowed vaults of Erowid, I’m here. I’ll drink whatever the boss tells me to drink and I’ll write it all down. If I end up with a bleeding ulcer or I suddenly understand the true fabric of the universe, I’ll tell you about it and I’ll tell you what I was drinking when it happened.
We’re here to help. Don’t forget that.
4 Comments
I second that request for a forum!
dude,ur job would be the perfect job for me,get wired and feed information to the world……..goddamn unclesamm,you should do a report on mixing pepsi,and coke,in the same glass……….but drink enough for ur personal tollerence to be one up’d so you actually get a sufficent cafffine buzz,i would personally love to read this report…..
i wish you could get energyfiend t-shirts,id wear one fo sho.someone up in the top rankings of this site in the world of internet nerds that are up at 4 am,should take this into consideration,mail out energy fiend tshirts to teh best posters,adn possibly even have contests to win energy drink packages ,somthing i duno,this site is absolutly THE SHIT,and i think theres still room for improvement..
YEAH! Dorks who drink!
Stuff!
p.s. Is there any sort of kickass forums or something for this site?
I mean a membership for this kind of site would really be cool!
Yeah, and it would be a lot better than this entering my site and mail all the time…
Plus the stats would really be cool;
I know its extra work, but three spike’s later, and it would be done!