Caffeinated Drink Reviews from Down Under
Don’t get me wrong. I love me some Southern California. It really is great. We’ve got the, uh, you know, the…well, we’ve got that whole Southern California thing going there that you just don’t have in other places. I like it. It’s home.
That being said though, it’s good to get out and check out new things. It’s good to get all Vincent Vega sometimes and trip on the little differences that make other places special. So here I am, down south, enjoying the wonders of the Down Unders.
I’m not going to bore you with the full on travel journal. Don’t worry. I will say though that this place rocks. I love the way the people talk and I love the way they are just cool about everything and don’t get mad when I step out into oncoming traffic because I’m looking the wrong way when I cross, and I love the beer and the wine and the meat pies all over, and I also love the way they watch Rugby 24 hours a day, every day, in every bar, store, hotel room, living room, and airport in the freaking hemisphere. I love that. Really. It’s charming. A wonderful sport, that Rugby. And Go All Blacks, by the way.
But I digress. I’ll confine this to the stuff you may (or may not) care about. My opinions about what fuels the fires of our Aussie and Kiwi brethren.
So here goes:
Mother
1. Mother is perhaps the crappiest tasting drink I’ve ever had the displeasure of sampling and trust me when I say that earning that distinction is no small feat. I drink a lot of crappy drinks, but this stuff just tastes horrible. I can’t even describe it. It’s like nothing I’ve ever had. Also, it’s called Mother. WTF? Mother? What kind of a name is that? Is that some hip Aussie slang that I don’t know about? Because it pretty much means one thing in the States and it’s not something I’d want to name my energy drink after.
I can only hope that the vile mess that is Mother stays confined to this otherwise lovely country. Seriously, if this shit gets out then it’s gonna change the way the world thinks of you all. Everyone loves the Aussies (and why not, right?), but don’t make this part of your national legacy. Let us be happy with the Roos and the Koalas and the bitchin black Mad Max Police Interceptor. Keep your Mother though. Please.
Red Bull
2. Red Bull comes in a bottle here, which I think is just cool as hell. Same glorious Red Bull taste. Same glorious Red Bull goose bumps. Same urge to shout random words of encouragement at passersby. Same everything, just in a glass bottle. I love that. I laugh every time. I’m easily amused.
V
3. V is kind of the standard here and it’s decent stuff. Nothing to write home about…wait…that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’m literally writing home about it. Well, nevermind then, but it’s still nothing special. Average buzz. Not as refreshing as some others I’ve had, but that may be my unsophisticated American palette preventing me from enjoying the finer things in life. [You can insert the obligatory Vegemite joke here. No. No, you do it. I don't want to be responsible. Just imagine I said something funny about the taste of Vegemite.]
V is quaffable to say the least though and convenient because this stuff is available everywhere down here.
Safari
4. Safari is pointless. Seriously. A complete waste of time. It’s not even in the database. I’ve seen a few posters, so I thought I’d give it a shot. That was a mistake.
Lift and Lift Plus
5. Lift or Lift Plus or something like that. Whoo! It looked like nothing special, but it was just shockingly delicious. It tasted like a Saturday afternoon in the middle of summer vacation. I drank it and I immediately felt like I was eight years old. I wanted to go, like, ride a bike or roll down a hill or something. Maybe I’ve got my own things going on there. Maybe I’m projecting. I don’t know, but Lift is good. Apparently it’s being discontinued or something, which kind of sucks. What the hell though because I can’t get it at home anyway.
Long Black Coffee
6. Alright, I’ve gotta get serious for number six here. I saved this for last because it’s important. I have witnessed the power of The Long Black. They tell me it’s just a long pull on an espresso machine, but I don’t buy it. It’s got to be something more. Something of questionable origin. I don’t know, like pixie dust or antifreeze or something. Maybe ground up tiger paw.
If you don’t like coffee, then a long black is gonna taste like a tiny little cup of burnt hair. Especially when you get it from Hungry Jack’s at one in the morning, but never mind all that because
it
freaking
works.
Oh my god. My tongue is raw. I think it may be permanently damaged from sucking these little gems down at the ungodly temperatures that they’re served at. Worth every dead bud though. I’ve already had enough food in my life to just remember what it tastes like. I can live with that.
Brilliant. That’s all I can say. A friend of mine drank one of these on the subway in Sydney and by the time we got off he was trying to talk us in to helping him steal two of the Ed Ruschas from the Gallery of New South Wales. He wasn’t joking. He was going on about Ned Kelly and boomerangs and what not. It was ridiculous. I loved it.
“They’re six foot canvases!”, I said.
“You’re right.”, he says. “That’d be tough to get home. We’d have to check them…Alright, let’s steal Nothing Landscape when we get back to LA. I like that one better anyway.”
“Cool.” I say, “Nothing Landscape. Sure dude.”
And that satisfies him. Then a couple of minutes go by and he calmly informs us that when he is king we will be first against the wall.
The Long Black! It’s cheap, efficient, and available anywhere at any time. Let me put it this way for all you test takers out there.
The Starbucks you drank this morning : a long black :: The Crown Royal your mom drank this morning : MOTHEREFFING MOONSHINE!
And it’s called the long black for god’s sake! What could be better than that? Everyday I see these marketing saps trying to come up with names for their crappy drinks that sound edgy and dangerous and all wow and whoo and here’s this.
Here, at the bottom of every menu, sits this humble, elegant little bit trouble. In its sleek Helvetica Ultra Light or its House Industries Neutraface font, nestled comfortably between the creme brulee with rhubarb confit and the ridiculously sweet (yet surprisingly crisp) botrytis riesling.
Just sitting there, waiting to kick your freaking ass.
It’s hellfire in a cup folks. It’s hot and bitter and long and black and it’s making me love this place even more.
By Garrett - from an Internet cafe somewhere down under
14 Comments
You’ve definitely piqued my curiosity about #6. From looking about online it appears to be an espresso double shot with some extra hot water? So a diluted double shot? It was that impressive? Or was it the tiger paw? Damn, now I’m wondering why I can find tiger paw at this time of night…
Mother is a shit drink. Unfortunately we’ve had it forced upon on us the US giant CocoCola. Dont know who buys it cos every other aussie round here hates the stuff
g day mate lol. Really though is this the same Mother? Is it a fruit juice based drink? I tried the new Full Throttle mother and did not like it but was wondering if this is the same as the Mother down under.
Definitely a different Mother… it was yet another attempt by Coca-cola to try and crack the energy drink market in Oz (that is dominated by V and Red Bull).
No relationship to Full Throttle Mother…
You must of been in Tasmania you moron, typical yank coming to Australia without consulting the self appointed mother guardians of the Australian Beverage Industry.
The crap list you tried above just shows how you have the mental capacity of George Bush and the mobility of a snail.
People of the world if you really want to expand your knowledge on what energy drinks are available “down under” then visit http://www.ozbevnet.com.
When I am in states I would really love to give you a Red Eye.
OzBevNet.com, way to call the author a moron, when you haven’t even grasped the english language.
“You must of…” It’s must HAVE, dimwit. If you’re too retarded to write correctly I don’t think you should really be calling names.
G’day, bitch.
OzBevNet.com I think you’re being mean. That is SO childish.
Safai Energy Drink is sold by Clearly Australian Beverages P/L who are being investigated by no less than 3 Australian Government agencies for a range of illegal activities. Don’t buy their products as you won’t be getting what you pay for. Their “Chill Spring Water” brand is really only filtered tap water.
Having been addicted to energy drinks for over a year now and being an American living in Australia I thought I should chime in. This is how my energy drink rankings would go:
1) Monster - I cant find this stuff in Sydney but it’s delicious.
2) V - pretty good, the best Australia has to offer.
3) Rockstar - I’ve only recently started seeing these in supermarkets here. It’s quite common in the US. I buy them whenever I can since I can’t find Monster energy drinks.
I’ve tried Mother and I just tried Safari 5 minutes ago and they are both very nasty.
Just tried Safari Energy drink and it has to be the nastiest stuff ever sold . Don’t know how they get away with it. I’d rather drink diesel.
Gotto agree with the Safari Energy Drink comment by JT. It’s disgusting stuff and they should do a Mother on it. The new Mother is not bad. Not the best but alot better than before.
heyy dudde.
totally agree with the mother thing
and im from australia.
it was soo bad
but they put a new formula out (still called mother)
and its like the best energy drink ever.
and no its not australian slang haha, we are clueless as to why its called that too.
but yeah if you get the chance get a taste of the new mother! it’s really good and selling really well aye!
U all off ur heads. Safari is really good .. 2 a day on a 12 hour shift perfect.
Spend more time in New Zealand, and you might be alright.
We don’t have much in the Energy drink market here either, but the usual culprits are available