The Anti Energy Drink Dilemma
You may have noticed that “anti” energy drink products seem to be commanding an increasing amount of retail space. You may have also noticed from my recent review of one of them, Mini Chill, that they’re a pain in the ass to review.
I’ve created this piece to underwrite every future anti energy drink I review. To help you understand why all of my encounters with anti energy drinks sound confused and scattered. It’s not me writing with bias against a product that undermines what I love in normal energy drinks. It’s me taxed with a genuinely difficult task. Here’s why:
With energy drinks, it’s easy to keep an eye out for any alterations to your reality, no? A powerful energy drink does a lot of things that one can’t deny feeling. Eagerness, twitchy movements, a feeling of pressure in the head, alertness. These are all things that you know to look for, and where, with little experience needed. As a reviewer of energy drinks, this skill set is paramount to my job. Being able to second-guess and identify effects that an energy drink attempts to bring to the table.
Now what about anti energy drinks like Drank which are formulated to relax you? Can you give me a standardized applied definition of relaxation? It’s not easy. What am I looking for? How do I qualify it?
These drinks are meant to relieve stress. Whereas energy drinks relieve something as relatively simple as fatigue, these drinks seek to relieve a mental state which can be caused by a deeply confusing collection of circumstances. How far does the stress relief reach – to that time I was bullied in elementary school? Or just to today’s bad day at work?
These anti energy drinks are meant to improve focus. On what? Whatever’s in my foveal field of vision? Or would it be on the whole project I’m currently dabbling in?
I have no idea what to look for when I consume anti-energy drinks. Sure, I have a general idea of what the drinks are meant to do, but where do I look to break down how well the drink performs? I need points to grasp onto and analyze.
As it is right now, I just wait and listen for something unique. Sometimes I’ll pick up on something, but even then I often don’t know what I noticed. These are not effects that barge into your reality. These are effects that are meant slither in undetected and pull you along with them.
How can I be sure the anti energy drink caused them and not the comfy chair I’ve been in?
So, there you go, that’s really all I had to say. Consider yourself none the wiser with 5 minutes of your life wasted. You can thank me later.
Written by Dusty Smith
2 Comments
Maybe you should take a long car ride and see if you fall asleep driving. If energy drinks should prevent that, these should cause it right? Although who would right the review…
It only took me 2 and a half minutes to read. Maybe I need a Slow Cow and less NOS Powershots…