Alright students, I have a new homework assignment for you today!

Here’s what I’d like you to do: First, travel to your local library and locate a Thesaurus. Next, I want you to look up the word, “horrible”.

Now, I want you to pick your favorite 25 synonyms and put them in paragraph form separated by commas. You’re almost done, isn’t this fun? Here’s the final step: Title your paper, “Cheetah Power Surge".

Flavor

Here as I sit in front of my computer, I am at a loss of words to describe the taste of this drink. Looking around for inspiration, my eyes focus on the can itself and it hits me. This is what cheetah urine must taste like. BRILLIANT! it all makes sense, this IS cheetah urine! The urine of our planet’s fastest land animal. It’s nature’s energy drink, no?

Ingredients

There are two main points to make here, each of which can be summarized in two words. They are Royal Jelly and No caffeine. Standing out among the horridly dull ingredients list is royal jelly. It’s a honey bee secretion for bee larvae, so says the mighty collective public of Wikipedia. Secondly, yes there is NO caffeine. In fact, aside the nominal sugar content not one energy ingredient exists, NOT ONE! I’m speechless.

Energy

Power surge my ass. Imagining myself drinking a Rockstar gives me more energy than this “drink”.

Verdict

Hello again students, I wanted to offer you all an extra credit assignment. I would like you to write a short report on the abuse of the placebo effect by energy drink manufacturers today.

Oh and one more thing, who wants to know the source of my nightmares? I’ll tell you. This drink has a diet version.

Reviewed by Dusty Smith: Central Michigan University; Experimental Psychology Graduate Student; Researcher, Engineering Psychophysiology Laboratory; Founder, Michigan Intercollegiate Racquetball Association; Energy Drink Connoisseur.