Who cares, they passed up the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to call them Buzz Nutz.  Say it out loud.  Buzz Nutz.  Rarely do circumstances align so perfectly, and these jokesters went with Hyper-Nutz.

Fine, I’ll get on with the review.  Just know I’m disappointed from the start.

Taste

So how do you feel about almonds?  Ecstatic?  Sorrowful?  Aroused?  Hostile?  If you’re like me, you can say, “all of the above.”  That’s normal, right?  Hyper-Nutz are in fact energized almonds.  When it comes down to taste, you’ll never know they’ve been tampered with.  Hyper-Nutz are simply put, great tasting almonds.  Flavor varieties check in as Honey, Salted, and Sweet Onion.  Sweet Onion be my fav.

Ingredients

Aside almonds supposedly offering substantial energy naturally (protein), added is caffeine, taurine, ginseng and lysine.  How much of each you ask?  The nutrition label covers no such topic and my hails to the company have gone unanswered.

Effect

What exactly did you expect to find here?  A bag of explosive almonds that will trigger a Level 5 reality meltdown?  No, I believe you came here expecting to find that Hyper-Nutz are just another sadly underpowered energy food.  Well, guess what?!!  You’re wrong!!  Ok, I’m sorry you’re right.  Hyper-Nutz won’t do much of anything for the average caffeinated consumer.  I just felt bad about confirming the boring expectations.

Verdict

If there’s an almond lover in you somewhere, then you’ll invariably enjoy what Hyper-Nutz has to offer.  Snacked on alongside a Mountain Dew or the equivalent, you may even be lucky enough to feel something happy.

Outside of those states of affairs, I have some gripes directed straight towards the makers of Hyper-Nutz:  Guys (and/or girls), find a new packing method and fix your website.  I got so frustrated trying to open one of these bags that I almost killed a cat.  You know what else irks the average consumer, including me?  Website landing pages that blast sound without warning or choice.  Quite inconsiderate.    And oh, answer your emails.

Reviewed by Dusty Smith

Well, nothin says all night lovin like hot Caffeinated “Magic” Brownie Mix from ThinkGeek!

Yes, just when you thought life couldn’t get any more energized, wham! caffeinated brownies are born. This product is sure to give Betty Crocker a marathon for her money with rich chocolate, ground up coffee beans, guarana, and pure caffeine that’s sure to give late night study sessions a whole new meaning.

It totally amazes me to see all the caffeinated products that keep entering the marketplace and this one is no exception. Now if we could just get someone to develop caffeinated cheese, we could truly have heaven on earth!

Anyway, why not give Caffeinated Magic Brownie Mix a try and let everyone know what you think below.  Apologies if the above sounds like a commercial, but I just think stuff like this is cool….

That’s one of the most enjoyable rhymes I’ve heard since “funky monkey” from the Beastie Boys song, “Brass Monkey.”  More thought was certainly put into the name of Perky Jerky than their competitor: Alien Energy Jerky.

Naming is a fraction of the battle, though.  Who’s the better choice when you have carnivorous hankering for a jolt of energy?

Taste

Just thinking back on my experience for what I’m about to write here urged me to pump my hands in the air and sing, “Awesommme!” in the lamest opera voice possible.  Never.  Never, have I ever tasted packaged beef jerky so damn good as Perky Jerky.  Profanity warranted.

Teriyaki seems to be the main flavoring and the consistency of the meat just screams freshness.  If you love beef jerky you need to pause here and go order some now.  Go!  Perky Jerky does not currently exist in alternate flavors.

Ingredients

Perky Jerky makes it no secret that guarana’s the big idea.  Prominently written on the front of the beautifully marked package is, “flavored with guarana.”  Wait, what?  Since when has guarana been used as a flavoring?  Maybe that’s what gave the teriyaki taste.  Because, I mean, otherwise they would have said “flavored with teriyaki” and/or “energized with guarana,” right?  But of course, and they didn’t.  So I’m going to assume that guarana is just used for flavoring, not energy.

Ok, I’m giving this product a hard time.  Guarana is the singular ingredient meant to give Perky Jerky its perk.  Just how much guarana, you ask?  Raise your hand first.  Thank you.  Perky Jerky claims to have the guarana equivalent of 150mg of caffeine.

Effect

Perky Jerky has 40mg more caffeine than Alien Energy Jerky, which was a big letdown product for me in the energy department.  Do those extra 40mg of caffeine do the trick?  Nope.  Jeeze it hurts me to type that word.  I enjoyed this product so immensely that I wanted nothing more than the energy to be there, too.  It’s just not.  Hold me.

Verdict

I’m going to bring this full circle.  Who’s the better choice for energized beef jerky: Perky Jerky or Alien Energy Jerky?  Neither of them gave me a push of energy, so it’s going to come down to taste.  Alien Energy Jerky offers 4 flavors, and not one of them can stand up to Perky Jerky.  Variety, however, is a big plus in my book.  So I guess I’ll have to take a big step back and look at the holistic experience of the two choices.  Um, Perky Jerky it is.

On display we have Neuro Drinks, and they’re here to blast apart your tiring expectations. Here are the stars of this main attraction:

• NeuroBliss (mood enhancement)
• NeuroSporti (fitness enhancement)
• NeuroSonic (mental performance)
• NeuroSleep (sleep enhancement)
• NeuroTrim (weight loss support)
• NeuroGasm (“body” performance – I added the quotes lol)

They may feature the same surnames, but make no mistake they are completely unique of each other.

Taste

Flawless.  Everyone one of them, utterly flawless.  Beyond the tastes just being straight-up satisfying, they simply make sense according to what each drink is meant to do.

• NeuroBliss: Lightly carbonated grapefruit juice.  Pretty dense flavor, but perked up by the carbonation.  Tastes like happy!
• NeuroSporti: Uncarbonated lemon-lime.  Incredibly open and refreshing, exactly what you’d want while/after working out.
• NeuroSonic: Stronger carbonation, quite fruity to the point of being unidentifiable.  Tastes like brain power.
• NeuroSleep: Soft and smooth mango, uncarbonated.  Almost soothing.
• NeuroTrim: No carbonation, and a prominent yet fleeting taste of something that grows on a tree.  Comes and goes without a need for commitment.

Ingredients

Water.

Ok fine I’ll list the major ingredients, I just don’t feel like it.  This is the boring part of my job, and Neuro drinks have the most complicated ingredients collection there is.  Try and keep up:

• NeuroBliss: Acetyl-L Carnitine, L-Phenylanaline, S-Hydroxytryptophan, L-Theanine, Eleutherococcus senticosus, Rhodiola rosea, and Gingko biloba
• NeuroSporti: Calcium, Phosphorus, Magnesium, Zino, Slenium, Copper, Manganese, Chromum, Molybdenum, Chloride, Sodium, and Potassium.
• NeuroSonic: Taurine, Glucuronclactone, Acetyl-L Carnitine, L-Phenylalanine, Caffeine, L-Theanine, Alpha GPC, Inositol, Eluetherococcus senticocus, and reservatrol
• NeuroSleep: Magnesium Glycinate, L-Theanine, 5-Hydroxytryptophan, and Melatonin
• NeuroTrim: LuraLean, L-Carnatine, Caffeine, Gymnema Sylvestre, Resveratol, and Grean tea extract

Effect

Prepare for shock and awe.

• NeuroBliss: Much to my veracious enjoyment, NeuroBliss shoves you into an impenetrable euphoria for about three blissful hours.  Forget companionship.  No need for fulfilling a religion.  Surpass wellbeing.  If happiness is what you seek, it’s anxiously waiting for you in a bottle.  And this bottle of happiness won’t leave you with a hangover.  I’m very serious here, this drink works!
• NeuroSporti: So this one is supposed to enhance your workout.  I drank one before a run, and another during a racquetball tournament.  It tasted and refreshed my body better than standard, boring old water.  That’s about it.
• NeuroSonic: If I didn’t read the label or consider the company (who insists on not being compared with energy drinks), I’d say that NeuroSonic is best categorized as an extremely potent energy drink.  Sorry Neuro, but after drinking this one I’m afraid it’s an energy drink.  It may not be on paper, but NeuroSonic tweaked the bajeezus out of me!  It’s been a while since I’ve had my reality accelerated so rapidly.

Truthfully speaking, NeuroSonic goes almost too far.  It’s supposed to enhance focus, but it was all I could do to keep enough focus to even finish the game on the back of my Lucky Charms cereal box.  I was in an insatiable search for something to sink my intellectual teeth into.

• NeuroSleep: The first thing I considered when I handled this drink was how inappropriate it was in the most basic sense.  How are you supposed to have a great full night’s rest after drinking 14 ounces of liquid?  I knew nature would be calling me to say, “what’s up” in a couple hours, but I drank one anyways.

I laid in bed, restless, for about an hour.  Then within 5 minutes, I felt nauseous, ran to the bathroom, and vomited.  After that I felt great and ready for bed.  Was it something I said?  The entire next day, I was dead tired.  This drink gave me so much trouble I’m not willing to try a second bottle to see if the first was a fluke (which, to Neuro’s credit, it could have been).

• Neurotrim: I drank these just for their pleasing taste.  I didn’t notice suppression in my appetite, and certainly not a loss of weight (I was only sent two bottles).

Verdict

By now you’re asking your dirty little self, what about NeuroGasm, huh Dusty?  Huh huh huh?!  I have friends and family reading my posts to this site, so simmer down, I’m not going to review it.  I actually had a friend sincerely ask me whether it succeeds at giving you an orgasm upon drinking it.  Now if that’s not the Holy Grail for functional beverages and the defining point of the downfall of mankind, I don’t know what is.

Anyways, to wrap this up, I’m incredibly impressed by these Neuro beverages.  Even if some of them might not work as hoped, good God the innovation factor for this company is in a whole league of its own.  They may not exactly be energy drinks, but are undoubtedly in the same family tree.  That being said, I can’t wait to see what drinks like these to do the future of our beloved addiction.

If you read this all in one sitting, you might want to call your friends and family and tell them you’re ok.  They’re probably worried about you being out of touch for so long.

Reviewed by Dusty Smith

I knew about energized mints, gum, chocolate pieces, candy bars, and even potato chips.  Now all the sudden my mailbox has been ambushed by two different energy chews in a few weeks time.

Since Hydrive Energy Chews were the first energy chews I’ve ever had, let’s see how these brand new Atomic Energy Bites compare!

Taste

Opening up my first package of Atomic Energy Bites, my taste buds took a defensive stance, bracing themselves for an assault.  As soon as the first chew entered my mouth, before it even hit my tongue, my tension unwound.  It became immediately apparent that these chews kick some serious ass!  With my first package I forgot to even pay attention to the energy effect.  Make no mistake; these chews are a premium candy treat.  They’re a whole level above what Hydrive has to offer.  Even better, there’s 5 scrump-dittily-umptious flavors:

• Lemon Lime – Key lime pie!
• Fruit Punch – Fruit punch!
• Orange Raspberry – Rumba Energy Juice!
• Cinnabomb – Atomic Fireball hard candies!
• Mocha Crunch – I hate coffee!  But I’d bet good money on this flavor tasting wonderful to coffee lovers.

So seriously, I’m not being lazy with the flavor comparisons.  This is literally what the flavors taste like, they’re astonishingly identifiable.

Ingredients

Every 3 bites will deliver 100mg of caffeine, 25mg of guarana, and a few hundred percent of your B values to your system well under the radar.  You can purchase Atomic Energy Bites in packages of 3 or 6.

Effect

We’ve got a little life lesson here: it’s nearly impossible to have the best of everything.  There’s always a negative somewhere to accompany every positive.  These bites just don’t quite cut it for me, even when I gobble up the larger 6 pack.  Maybe if you’re a caffeine lightweight you’ll be happy with them.

Verdict

So in this informal energy chew dual, Atomic Energy Bites destroy Hydrive Energy Chews in the taste department, while Hydrive Energy Chews offer energy that the Atomic Energy Bites just can’t keep up with.  Now go forth and be an informed consumer.

Reviewed by Dusty Smith

The liquid component of energy drinks has become everything for me.  I crave for the sip, the guzzle, the swish, the slam.

I am still intrigued, though, by energy food products like these new energized beef sticks cleverly named, Lightning Rods.  For the normal people out there, here’s a review of Lightning Rods to help you decide whether they could potentially replace your need for energy drink consumption.

Taste

Likely because of a lack of standard energy blend ingredients, these beef sticks inspire a bit of shock and awe by tasting like, well, beef sticks.  It’s a real challenge to tell Lightning Rods apart from any other beef stick on the market, impressive!  As far as beef sticks go, though, Lightning Rods could be a little better.  They’re kinda plain and I usually look for a bit of a “rasty” edge in flavor when it comes to beef sticks.

Ingredients

This product tosses around the two g’s a whole lot: ginseng (90mg) and guarana (undisclosed amount) which delivers 60mg of caffeine per stick.  That’s pretty much the foundation for their energy claim.  In their PR statement you’ll also find a paragraph where they trash talk other energy product companies who artificially add their B vitamins, since Lightning Rods contain it “naturally.”

Effect

I don’t believe that Lightning Rods are grounded properly, because I’m not getting any strikes of energy.  I’ve tried them at all times of the day, and simply can’t get a rise out of them.  I wanted to feel it bad, I really did, because I love this product concept.

Verdict

Here’s a fun fact: Lightning Rods are rated to provide 5+ hours of energy.  I see this as a sad day for energy products when an energized beef stick jumps into the hour claim game.  But besides that comment, I cannot validate their 5+ hour claim the least bit.  I believe the only way this product can be effective is if you were identified as a “daywalker” in our addiction diagnosis article.

Reviewed by Dusty Smith

Hydrive’s recent entries into the energy product market have provided some much needed aeration to the stagnating market.  They just simply refuse to conform.

Their first beverages were refreshingly unique and enjoyable, and now their new energy chews show that Hydrive is not ready to merge onto the beaten path.  Have they lost sight of what consumers are looking for?

Taste

My first experience with these supercharged “Starburst” wannabes was certainly impressive.  Not because of the flavoring, but because of a nearly undetectable bitter aftertaste.  Most of us know by now that this is almost unheard of when it comes to energized food products.

As for the Berry Burst flavoring, don’t get the wrong idea, these morsels taste great.  A tart and wholesome berry taste is right up front and there’s enough sweetness to make these chews at home on a candy rack.  Four chews come in a pack and after eating the first one, I couldn’t help but keep tearing through one after the next until I emptied the pack.  A little side note, sometimes I detected a mild metallic aftertaste.  I’m not sure what to make of it, but it’s not a deal breaker.

Ingredients

Eating a pouch of these chews will deliver 160mg of caffeine your way, with 200% DV of B-vitamins 3, 5, 6, and 12 as reinforcement.  Apparently all of these ingredients are “encapsulated” to mask the bitterness.  Pretty word… With epistemological intents, extrapolating the encapsulated elements to estimate the effectiveness yields an expedited delivery of energy.  Ooh that’s fun.

Effect

These chews mount more of an ambient attack on your ho-hums for about 3-4 hours.  They offer energy like the kind you get after a full night’s rest, but who am I kidding, none of you know what that feels like.  Just know that yes, they are effective.

Verdict

So is there hope for these candies?  Absolutely.  I know there are many people out there who could fall in love with them if the chance were given.  I just wish that instead of individually wrapping them, they’d mold them into those gummy candies that look like mini hamburgers.  That’s an unstoppable combination.

Written by Dusty Smith

You can buy Hydrive Chews on-line here.

I think they were like a penny a piece back in my day.

Welcome to the 21st Century! Now a similar product is jacked with caffeine to really put you over the edge. Here is what ThinkGeek says about their new product.

“A simple paper straw filled with sugar and flavor. Without mentioning it by name, it was those things were the cause of some of our best childhood sugar highs. The time has come to update this sweet nostalgia – with caffeine! That’s right, each Nixie Tube is basically sugar, flavor, and caffeine. 100mg per tube, to be precise. That’s more than most energy drinks! And why does this product need to exist? Because the child inside us all screams for it, while the adult outside us all desperately desires the caffeine. You can wake up your inner child and outer adult all with one candy. Yum!”

OK, now that your mouth is watering, head on over to ThinkGeek and order yourself a couple thousand! Too bad they’re not a penny a piece though.

However, I’ve been getting  ever increasing requests to have energy shots reviewed.

The Convenience Store News just reported that sales of energy shots have doubled in 2009, with more and more consumers choosing them over the traditional 16oz energy drink than ever before.

Energy shot sales were at 270 million in 2008, but are expected to double that in 2009 with around 700 million in sales. In 2008 energy drink sales only saw a mere .09% increase in sales from the previous year, while energy shots saw and 179% increase in sales.

So what does this mean for the industry? Have energy drinks met their match when facing their much smaller cousin? Many enjoy the convenience of these shots, but will convenience make up for the often less than pleasing flavor?

The shot still has a way to go as energy drink sales topped 3.5 billion dollars last year.

What do you think? Will enrgy shots replace your energy drinks as a way to get your fix?

Unbeknownst to the common energy drink consumer, ABB has the largest variety of energy drinks on the market, no contest.  ABB sent me 16 different energy drinks to review in a box big enough to build an elaborate kitten mansion out of, which reluctantly, I did not realize until I’d trashed the box.

I was sent the most massive energy drink line I’ve ever seen, and it wasn’t even conclusive; they only sent me just over half of what they offer!  I do have to point out, though, that most (not all) of the drinks I did not receive from ABB are more directly formulated to be body building supplements.

The Goods

*Effect and verdict based on a 1-5 scale with 1 being the worst and 5 being the best.

Conclusions

Unfortunately, as you may expect, there is an incredible amount of overlap between the different energy drinks.  For example, the only noticeable difference between a fruit punch Speed Stack and fruit punch Adrenalyn Stack is that the Speed Stack tastes a little smoother.  Honestly, nothing else separates these drinks besides the label.  This state of affairs was rampant in the collection given to me, and it was a frustrating challenge to latch onto discerning factors.

Let’s be fair, though.  I’m making these statements based purely off of perceived standard energy, and energy is the one component that ABB has little intent of characterizing its drinks by.  These drinks are separated instead by offerings of thermogenesis (increased metabolism), ‘pump’ power (weightlifting pumps), and other esoteric promises that lose their merit outside of the weight room.

So I want you to keep in mind here, all of the drinks were reviewed strictly as energy drinks.  If a drink really does offer more powerful weightlifting pumps but doesn’t wake you up, then for all intensive purposes it will be a lame energy drink in this review.  To make things easier on you, we here at EF have created a summary table to help you wade through the dense thicket that is the ABB product line.  Drinks that require special additional attention are listed as well.  Also, just FYI: none of the drinks are carbonated.

Reviewed by Dusty Smith